lost.

I feel lost. No motivation, not like I used to have. Call it irresponsibility, but I just can't seem to get motivated by duty, unless it adheres to my personal priorities or direction. What happens when something deemed as having the highest priority slips off the chart despite futile efforts of clinging on, not letting go? Your direction, motivation, energy, most of what constitutes meaning to you, goes along with it. Not a particularly enjoyable experience. 

I don't know what else I can do. Anymore. 

Eyes in the shadows. Remnants of a body which clung on to the light.

Leave it at that for now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bloated egos used to irk me. Now I see it as just another form of self-delusion. However, there are also people who underrate their own abilities and potential and end up missing out on many of the things life has to offer. Some underestimate the level of their true potential, and others habitually choose to overlook the fact that the limit to what they can do is actually quite distant.

Actually, we all have a bit of both in us, just that some have more than others. We naturally tend to feel confident (many times overconfident) in our perceived areas of competency, but we should also acknowledge the fact that there exists many others who are even more competent in these areas, and appreciate the value of humility.

On the other hand, there are also times when we may feel that we lack the ability to do certain things, when the only obstacle to the liberation of our unused potential is our mind. By overcoming this obstacle, we may have the chance of discovering new lands in previously uncharted territory and claiming it as our own.

In essence, there's nothing wrong about not being the best, but not being the best you can leaves only regrets.

I know it's possible, guess I'll just have to convince myself that other causes are worthy too.

没人知道自己的心，不好过。多想找个人来倾诉，但同时也知道，有些事是必须独自承受的。不好过，也得过。就算别人把错觉当真，就算多么的煎熬，也没理由解释。反正解释了，错觉也不能变成事实。干脆忍着。

一直那么不理性地渴望自己的付出会被注意到，却总是在被现实唤醒的那一刻选择沉默。

一直以来都活在自己的梦幻世界里，说服和欺骗自己，告诉自己一切所想的都是真的。

一直以来依靠的那股动力现已不存在, 也渐渐失去以往让自己付出一切的那种决心.

懦弱， 从来都不是自己的风格．但不知怎么的，还是会身心不由己，去做一些或想一些莫名奇妙的事．辛苦耕耘却没收获，才领悟到牛顿第三定律只处于物理的世界里．

爱人难。不去爱自己所爱的人，不但更难，还多了一种难以形容的痛。

在嬉皮笑脸的面具下，双眼依旧凝望着．能看见快乐和幸福，也算是一种欣慰．

还是一样，由衷地送上沉默祝福．

tired and flopping around

It has been a long time since the heat of the green and hopeful was still intensely ablaze. He did not know what the pain was like then, he was just too engrossed in his pipe dream. Much was grossly misinterpreted. Green, no doubt. Then came the deafening silences, and the merciless accelerations. The light of the truth beyond the pipes finally began sifting through the cracks he was once blind to. Yet, with a thoroughly proofread devotion, he clung on. Occasional misinterpretations plastered up, or more like hid the cracks again, waiting for the next impact. It came just as he was sprinting at full speed through the pipe, shattering the mediocre attempt at self-persuasion. 

He knew that his interests did not matter as much to him, so he chose selflessness. He tried to only appear when his services were requested, and hoped, though somewhat not very confidently, that he meant more than convenience. He tried not to think, for when he did the rift would open and threaten to tear him apart, but it was inevitable. 

 

也不懂怎么搞得。。
每当我已差不多要绝望的时候，简单的一次接触就把我抛回原点。
又开始痛了。
每当我的视线开始模糊的时候，那微不足道的舍不得也让我心甘情愿地跑回去。
始终就是放不下。
以流汗代饮酒精、肉体的疲惫代心灵的憔悴；等待着每一天的黎明，希望有一天它的曙光能够穿透遮挡住美丽憧憬的浓雾。
咳。。。
叹的每一口气仿佛在增加浓雾的厚度、吹走那在草原上唯一竖立着的蒲公英、冰冻了我那原本烧着熊熊烈火的心。
算了吧。
还是放不下。
再继续挣扎吧。

Virgo the Perfectionist

maybe i guess thats why. why it's impossible for me to let go. looking forward with hope, waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel? will it be there? will you be there?

procrastination is not always a bad thing. kinda wish i delayed the pain now.

freak it.

我愿意默默地守候、等待。
我相信我能做得到。



看不见你的笑，我怎么睡得着
你的声音这么近我却抱不到

Warcraft used to be the icon i click first when i sit down at the computer, but now all i have on is Internet Explorer. Doing this same routine every night might be taxing, even boring, but i think it's worth it. Possibly just me and me alone. They say it makes people go crazy. I didn't understand. Well now i do. And it's tormenting, yet blissful. I really do wish the latter would take over forever, but for that to happen i know i must do it. But to do it will involve a risk of losing it, which would mean torment taking over. Decision or choice?

Giving without reciprocation sounds great, but feels like shit. Not that it's anyone's obligation. I would take all these, but without any light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to, this sucks. Maybe i'm dimming that light myself, but i just can't console myself when i don't see concrete results. "Believe and you will achieve". Sounds nice, but wait till u try believing in something that isn't there.But thinking of it again, what have i actually given? Do these minute contributions even count? Maybe they do, but are they enough? I want to do more, but what if it only leads me further down the hole?

So many what ifs. I say cause i'm afraid to lose it, cause i cherish it, telling myself it's not cause i'm a coward. But thinking of the bigger picture, isn't being afraid to lose what i cherish another cowardly thought? Finding the courage to do all these takes time, or rather requires that moment, that spurt. But this i cant afford to procrastinate, or the result would be worst than just losing it.

Damn it.

不敢豁出去，是因为不想冒险、害怕失去。
但不去尝试，又怎么知道结果呢？
难道就要永远默默地承受吗？
太多因素、后果。。。
明明就不该去想的嘛。
但。。。


懦夫。

in a seemingly real nest of foreigners lays the cuckoo's egg. born from isolation, into a society with peers of title, sadly, nothing more. affiliations concrete, or cement? long ago, lotus root. held together by nothing more than strand. chopped into pieces, big into big pot, small into small. or none. bland soup, thick soup. mix them and they look homogeneous. looks can be deceiving. underneath just a suspension. oil and water. water and oil. fat ass. sunflower and olive. sink, olive. watch sunflower float up to the light as you go down. might ease the pain. you can try to swim up if you want to, tread it awhile if you like. bathe in the warmth. and as they rise, just submerge. into whatever you think is underneath. probably a void. savour it. cause thats all you've got.

that's it. this is the last of the holidays. last of slacking. last of lifeless stoning. last of stupid gaming marathons(hopefully). last of copying(try la hor). last of living life day by day without direction. last of walking in the fog. last of being lost.

now what the heck was that. an attempt at new year resolutions maybe. haha.


time to sleep. goodnight.

time must be a bird.

or a plane.

no superman.

wadeva it's just weird. i swear i was figuring out how to use the dhs buttons for the first time only yesterday.

and talking about time, im bad at it. really. and somewhere in a crevice of my brain i know the truth. these damned games are gonna ruin my life. yes i know it, but somehow my cursor always seem to swiftly hover over the dreaded icon and click it twice. its like lighting a cigarette. a looooong one. argh wad can i do. boredom is not my choice. yea right.

hmm. it's weird that tomato puree actually mixes with lard. well. damn well. like they're the same thing, binded by an omnipresent psychic force. eww.

you know, affiliations can sometimes be scary. or rather sad.

morning. happy 2nd jan.

Asakura Yoh

after watching a few episodes of shaman king, i realised the main character, Asakura Yoh, is more than a mere character. to me, he represents a kind of perfect personality. optimistic, for example smiling cheerfully at his enemies, humble (nothing changes even when he becomes much more powerful), and the one i admire most, able to touch the heart of even his arch enemies and make friends with them. that's his true power.

many a times, we tend to look at other people's negative points more than their positive points, and sometimes even brand those whom who have more slightly more obvious weaknesses as someone they can't accept. reflecting a bit, i feel like a bloody sinner. now as i think of it, i feel really bad that i often neglect people's good points but instead emphasise on their weaknesses or sometimes just something about them that doesn't seem correct to me. TO ME. that, i've realised might not be correct. who am i, c'mon, the all-knowing, always right, never wrong?

haiz. to all those people around me i might have neglected or misunderstood, i'm sorry. =(

from now on, i truely wanna try to program myself to seek out the good points of others and learn to appreciate them, understand them.

this is my goal, goalkeepers scram. =)

update update!!! heh.
service learning on saturday. wonder how the kids will react to our items. hope its positive though. =)
oh yess. basketball incident. due to the fact that my life might be in danger if a certain packet drink company boss stumbles upon this, i shall shroud my words in mist. heh.
on the third day of the third section of the eighth section of the year 2006, which also happens to be the day before the day before the day before the day which is two days from now, erm, ok yesterday, we were deriving entertainment by trying to help a certain tangerine colour sphere find its way to its destination when a passing kind soul brought to our attention the news of the "not so sweet" chrysanthemum tea inventor's presence in the area destinated for the consumption of edibles, which also happens to be close to the location where we were deriving our entertainment. so anyway, upon receiving the sound waves broadcasted by the kind soul, we decided to place ourselves on the floor as we preferred not to be sighted in our thin white buttoned tunics, for the results were prophesied to be disasterous. as he approached our location, we realised that in the corner of this rectangular area of entertainment, there were a rather large gathering of feminine juveniles dressed in the white buttoned tunic that were destined for catastrophe. to our horror, he began journeying to that corner. but also to our suprise, they suddenly did some kind of a wave action which reminded me of a certain movement-based art form otherwise known as dance. we were like WOW. splendid tactic. the not so sweet packet drink company boss halted. and retreated back to his air-conditioned lair.

HAHAHA!!! pro right them!!!

haha. check out the designer of this skin, he rocks. littleGREENman, featured on blogskins.com. anw, just some acknowledgement.

national day today, the programme was kind of short this year, but the aerial view of the performances telecasted were cool. can imagine how long they took to coordinate all that. and my malay neighbours next dour sort of had a big gathering, and they kept shouting and cheering everytime a part of the show went "sky-high", because my block has a view of the sky over the stadium . at first i was cool with it, but after the flying of the flag, came the fighter jets, then the small fireworks, and when the grand finale fireworks came, they went bonkers. lol, crazy.

mep essay(topic not chosen), biolo essay(dunno what topic also). dead ym.

hah. i'm not gonna allow someone to fourth that. no way man.

life is getting so tough. find me a subject which doesn't bombard us with assignments, and i'll... erm, feel a wee bit consoled. well, it's the default singaporean teen life i guess. especially in this TOP GOVERNMENT SCHOOL. wow.

during the talk, i felt that philosophy was rather cool, and i was even looking forward to taking that love-wisdomly subject in the future, until chaoslayer told me it was dumb cause his answers were either yes or no, thus dividing everything into two. lol.

quote of the day: "something something respect you something juvenile delinquency something something dictator something why are you here."

????????????


was i ever a friend in your eyes? or just some redundant creature for you to push around? i don't know this, but at least i know i've tried. hard. and probably failed.

that's it. i've decided. and you're not worth it.

the world doesn't exist to please you, bastard.

why not you quit looking at all the things that piss the oh so great YOU and think about those who's been there, or at least tried to be there for you before you gave them a slap on their faces, or a stab in their backs.

you think you're the center of the universe? think again.

wa. i think the interval between my posts are shocking. like pikachu liddat. but anw, please stop trying to frame me up as the "physics pro" or something. cuz 人家会不好意思的... KIDDING KIDDING!!! haha no lar.. just feels weird, and whats more, got quite a few get same or higher than me mah.. ok i shall not dwell on this pointless topic.

recently i've discovered that i've developed a liking for fruits like pears, otherwise known as 李, oops i mean 梨... anw its just that the fruit is kinda nice cuz it has that sensitive touch that makes me wanna cry, u know. but sometimes the fruit just makes me feel sad and outcasted, like a poor black crow... and sometimes when i look at the fruit, it just starts tearing and rolling out of the room. hmm... and whats more, it's only been added to my BIG FAMILY for awhile. cool.

nice fruit. not to mention it looks a bit shrivelled.

well <<(no water, no frog at the bottom), good luck to us!

BACK!!!

haha. so nice to feel online again. thanks mr technician.

well, today has taught me a lesson. the meaning of true friends, that is. it's not that i didn't try to blend in, maybe it's just because i'm the residue and i'm fated to eventually sink to the bottom of you guys. or maybe it's because the world revolves around you. useful? feel free to join us. if not, cya. that's how it has always been, and i'm sick of it. bye.

haha. i'm starting to like sec3 squad more now. (:

random.

hmm. was browsing through my pictures, in search of something interesting i might come across. and amazingly i've come across a few pictures i don't even rmb having, and some which bring back fond memories, and others just random. here goes....

this was after finding out our beloved english teacher was in s'pore idol.

art project. twojay times...

acc project. yum.

wahaha!!! i'm a pro! this is not AI ok...

ok nvm i'm still a noob (in case ppl like rodion come look at this. haha.)

maple... cute little blue snail. (:

guess who this guy is from?

NEOPETS!!!

lol i rmb i used this image to replace one of the little fighter characters. funny.

BRISBANE!!!

miss the fun times... and the seniors... sigh.

anw, can u spot the zombies? and the weird thing on the guy's hand. 0_o

bye.