也不懂怎么搞得。。
每当我已差不多要绝望的时候，简单的一次接触就把我抛回原点。
又开始痛了。
每当我的视线开始模糊的时候，那微不足道的舍不得也让我心甘情愿地跑回去。
始终就是放不下。
以流汗代饮酒精、肉体的疲惫代心灵的憔悴；等待着每一天的黎明，希望有一天它的曙光能够穿透遮挡住美丽憧憬的浓雾。
咳。。。
叹的每一口气仿佛在增加浓雾的厚度、吹走那在草原上唯一竖立着的蒲公英、冰冻了我那原本烧着熊熊烈火的心。
算了吧。
还是放不下。
再继续挣扎吧。

Virgo the Perfectionist

maybe i guess thats why. why it's impossible for me to let go. looking forward with hope, waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel? will it be there? will you be there?

procrastination is not always a bad thing. kinda wish i delayed the pain now.

freak it.

我愿意默默地守候、等待。
我相信我能做得到。



看不见你的笑，我怎么睡得着
你的声音这么近我却抱不到

Warcraft used to be the icon i click first when i sit down at the computer, but now all i have on is Internet Explorer. Doing this same routine every night might be taxing, even boring, but i think it's worth it. Possibly just me and me alone. They say it makes people go crazy. I didn't understand. Well now i do. And it's tormenting, yet blissful. I really do wish the latter would take over forever, but for that to happen i know i must do it. But to do it will involve a risk of losing it, which would mean torment taking over. Decision or choice?

Giving without reciprocation sounds great, but feels like shit. Not that it's anyone's obligation. I would take all these, but without any light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to, this sucks. Maybe i'm dimming that light myself, but i just can't console myself when i don't see concrete results. "Believe and you will achieve". Sounds nice, but wait till u try believing in something that isn't there.But thinking of it again, what have i actually given? Do these minute contributions even count? Maybe they do, but are they enough? I want to do more, but what if it only leads me further down the hole?

So many what ifs. I say cause i'm afraid to lose it, cause i cherish it, telling myself it's not cause i'm a coward. But thinking of the bigger picture, isn't being afraid to lose what i cherish another cowardly thought? Finding the courage to do all these takes time, or rather requires that moment, that spurt. But this i cant afford to procrastinate, or the result would be worst than just losing it.

Damn it.

不敢豁出去，是因为不想冒险、害怕失去。
但不去尝试，又怎么知道结果呢？
难道就要永远默默地承受吗？
太多因素、后果。。。
明明就不该去想的嘛。
但。。。


懦夫。

in a seemingly real nest of foreigners lays the cuckoo's egg. born from isolation, into a society with peers of title, sadly, nothing more. affiliations concrete, or cement? long ago, lotus root. held together by nothing more than strand. chopped into pieces, big into big pot, small into small. or none. bland soup, thick soup. mix them and they look homogeneous. looks can be deceiving. underneath just a suspension. oil and water. water and oil. fat ass. sunflower and olive. sink, olive. watch sunflower float up to the light as you go down. might ease the pain. you can try to swim up if you want to, tread it awhile if you like. bathe in the warmth. and as they rise, just submerge. into whatever you think is underneath. probably a void. savour it. cause thats all you've got.

that's it. this is the last of the holidays. last of slacking. last of lifeless stoning. last of stupid gaming marathons(hopefully). last of copying(try la hor). last of living life day by day without direction. last of walking in the fog. last of being lost.

now what the heck was that. an attempt at new year resolutions maybe. haha.


time to sleep. goodnight.

time must be a bird.

or a plane.

no superman.

wadeva it's just weird. i swear i was figuring out how to use the dhs buttons for the first time only yesterday.

and talking about time, im bad at it. really. and somewhere in a crevice of my brain i know the truth. these damned games are gonna ruin my life. yes i know it, but somehow my cursor always seem to swiftly hover over the dreaded icon and click it twice. its like lighting a cigarette. a looooong one. argh wad can i do. boredom is not my choice. yea right.

hmm. it's weird that tomato puree actually mixes with lard. well. damn well. like they're the same thing, binded by an omnipresent psychic force. eww.

you know, affiliations can sometimes be scary. or rather sad.

morning. happy 2nd jan.